Lost again... (the story of a mad girl)


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- How are you, love?

- Honestly? Do you really want me to reply honestly to this question?

- Sure! I wouldn't expect anything else from you but honesty! 

- I am breaking down, with every breath I take I feel like my insights are collapsing, I feel like every single cell of my body is imploding and I am suffocating. I cannot even fathom why is it so hard to be alive right now, but it is unbearable. I think I have lost my purpose, my meaning...I've forgotten why I am alive, why I came to this plane of existence, why I embodied in this person that I no longer recognize when I look in the mirror. I feel so small and useless and I don't even know what I am going to do with my life or if I really want to live anymore. Every day it gets more miserable than the one before because I feel my being being swallowed by this enormity of belittlement created by my own self. It really feels like drowning in the middle of the ocean. I have no life vest and there's no boat in the horizon coming to save me. All I want to do is scream, hoping that this demon or whatever it is inside me, eating me alive, will get out of me and leave me alone to live the life I was meant to. Not even the love of my closest people won't break this horrific spell I've cast on my own self. I think I will be able to write a self destruction manual if I am granted more days to live with such a pain. 

(... silence ...)

- I've faded, I feel so washed out, like the favourite piece of clothing that turns into a cloth after too many wears. I am longing for purpose, yet I see nothing ahead. I feel uncapable, unskilled, unfitted, abandoned by my own self, left in misery to die slowly of this choky pain. I feel like God just took the essence of life out of me and left me here, to rot, to experience this living hell. I cannot see myself capable of achieving the things I was striking for when I was younger. I don't trust my capabilities. Actually, I see no capabilities in myself, not anymore. It is like they were ripped away from me - all the dreams, all the hopes. I don't even dare to dream anymore. It's sick. The heaviness of what I am going through mentally right now is sick! 

- Oh, poor thing! Just grab my hand...I will pull you out of this! Trust in me! 

- How? I am afraid I will drag you into this. I cannot. I need to get out by myself. I did it in the past, and even if right now I don't think I am capable of doing it again, I won't forgive myself if you lose yourself because of me. I don't want to infect your being with the atrocities my mind is birthing right now. No, no, no! I simply cannot and will not! 

- Ok, then! But at least let me hold you for a while! 




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